I wrote this letter when I realized how much of my life struggle was due to the decades spent on trying to hide, even from myself, what had happened to me and my family. The price for feeling a shame that did not belonged to me, in the first place. Understanding the impact of abuse, made me realize the importance of sharing my story; however ugly or painful. So here it is, the compilation of all the wisdom I’ve been collecting throughout this journey thus far… A new manifesto for my life that I’d like to extend as an invitation to you. Once again, take these words, make them yours and heal.
With all my love & all my rage, onward always!
Today I rise to tell my story and to openly and wholeheartedly forgive myself... not only for my pain but for of that I inflicted upon others.
Today I rise to tell my story, to give hope to anyone who might have gone through the same.
Today I rise, because there are so many of us, so many survivors and so many lost to despair.
Today I rise for those who don’t have a voice, for those who have lost hope.
I am here to tell you THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU
I am here to tell you: YOU ARE NOT BROKEN, YOU ARE LOVED.
I am a survivor of child sexual abuse. My body kept the memory that my mind just couldn’t process. I’ve been reacting to the world based on that early experience, I was 4 and he was 12. It has taken me 30 years after that, where 20 of those I’ve battled depression, anxiety and anorexia -not the kind related to body image, but the result of a deeply rooted believe that something was so wrong with me it led me to starve myself physically, emotionally and spiritually. Two years ago, a cervical pre-cancer diagnosis was the last drop to wake me up to what had happened to me, so long ago.
Flashbacks came flooding during my waking hours, keeping sleep or rest at bay. I had been awakened to the root of my depression. To the always so fearful way I approach the world. I had been awakened to the rage and the grieve gone unfelt for so long, so damn long!
What could I’ve done? I was so shut down from my own body... there was nothing left for me to trust but the numbness and hollowness inside. I have been at war with myself and I didn’t know why...
Yes, he was a “kid” but still it was no play, play was the just bait. The manipulation and secrecy, the way he always got me alone. The consistency of his behavior was abusive. Make no mistakes; this was abuse, not child’s play. Still, I can’t ignore the fact that he was a kid too, my heart aches with the question: what truly happened to him? Who taught him to act like this? The fact that he is family makes my blood chill.
Today I rise to say: this violence ends with me. Today I pray I’m still on time to release the pain from moving forward, to be passed on to the next generation.
I don’t have the capacity or time to ask him why. I just hope never to see him again, but if we were to cross paths, may he know that redemption does not lie in my forgiveness but on his own healing... and healing starts with accountability.
Today I tell myself: I forgive you.
Today I tell myself: I LOVE YOU.
I forgive you and I love you. I forgive you for trying to protect the little girl you were. You were lost and thought yourself damaged. I love you because you did everything you had to, to survive.
I forgive you for trying to numb the pain, for wanting to fade away so badly that you would forget to feed yourself.
I love you because you held yourself together in the dark. I forgive you because in your pain, you hurt those you loved the most. I love you because you fought your demons. Even when you couldn’t stand another minute in hell, you relentlessly waited for the sun to rise again.
Today I realize: that my body was not the problem but the strongest, most resilient and divine tool I have to heal myself; to heal others.
Today I realize that I don’t need permission to live out loud and shame free.
Today I tell my story. It is my duty to pass along the message and give hope to those who have lost it.
I know this rage and pain may never pass but it fuels my love, it fuels my actions to heal and leave this world a little brighter.
I will harness this rage and transform it.
I will rise from the pain and try again.
Today I know not to part from suffering but to give space to my darkness. When I name it, I bring light in. It dissolves it.
Today I know I won’t need to resist it, I need to allow it.
My darkness has a vital message for me: I AM WHOLE & I AM LOVED.
I AM WHOLE & I AM LOVED.
I AM WHOLE & I AM LOVED.
This letter was published first in ROAR Magazine, the beautifully designed October Issue:
https://beyoutyrevolution.com/new-products/roar-fierce-feminine-rising-huntress-moon