Some days are just plain hard. The flow between anger and grief doesn’t seem to wear off. I need to remind myself how far I’ve come not to fall into despair, but the truth is, that during these days there is no amount of self-care, yoga, painting or therapy that can seem to stop my wounds to cut back open again.  Dealing with trauma is so freaking tough. As much as I tell myself, almost like a prayer, that I am safe now; that I don’t need to leave my body, I still get triggered.

Our new normal, as my husband calls it, is sometimes too painful, too raw, too damn unfair. I don’t want this to be my normal. In fact, I hate it. During these days, it feels so appealing to just go back to numbing it all. To lash out at everyone else, to project the pain on others… maybe this way they’ll understand? It would be SO.DAMN.EASY!

I really wish I could shed it all, grow a new skin. Just like the dragon on my picture, I wish I could let the fire of my rage melt away this trauma, this pain, this scarred body. To look in the eyes of the man I love wanting to be close, but feel the abyss between us grow deeper and larger. More rage. To not be able to reciprocate the most innocent affection, because there is a war happening inside me, is paralyzing. More grief. When does this end? Where does the old me die and the new one begins?

I would change my past if I could; to think otherwise is a lie. As much as I am learning to appreciate the woman I am becoming, it does not mean I would give it all away to stop this pain. What enrages me the most is, that the person who hurt me is still out there. Living his life in plain daylight. Thinking I’m just trapped in a “mistaken memory” because he was just being a boy. I lay awake some nights thinking, how many? How many more women has he assaulted and violated throughout his life? Just because he was told he could! Why do I -and the people I love- have to suffer the consequences of his actions? HOW MANY MORE?

I still can’t shake off some of what people said about Dr. Ford’s hearing. Asking why now, after 30 years? Well because for us survivors, we don’t have the luxury of time. Sometimes we remain trapped in that moment, no matter how long it has been. Why come out with the story now? Aside for the obvious political implications, there is a good chance that Dr. Ford, just as any survivor, felt it was her fault and that telling would only bring more shame. Or maybe she didn’t even know that could be considered as assault, she knew him didn’t she? Between 70% to 90% of the cases victims knew their attackers. And then there is the classic “Boys will be boys”. What the hell does that even mean!? To use violence on others because you feel entitled to or to abuse your privileged position, to subject others is NOT boy’s play. EVER! In this case, is called sexual violence and the more we all become used to this word, the better chances we all have for a more productive conversation.

The ignorance present on this subject is more than painful to witness, because it is not one isolated incident. Sexual violence is ever present in our language, our music, our movies and within our culture. There are so many survivors, each with a heartbreaking story and many without a voice. Their pain becomes my pain; their stories become mine and I wish I could burn it all away. For me, for you, for all of us.

I am sharing this with you, not because I want you to feel sorry. I am sharing this with you, because the lives impacted by sexual violence go beyond the survivors. Families divide, marriages break and lives are lost, because we lose hope. On days like these, the pain is just too much to bear. So I am sharing this with you, because the cycle of suffering CAN BE STOPPED. If we become aware of the violence around us, we can bring about change.

The deeper I dive into this journey, the tougher the conversation becomes. The more I understand, the more I feel and the harder it is to be vulnerable. On days like these I want to put back the armor, close my heart and throw away the key. But is not that simple. Trauma is so complex and goes through so many layers. Sometimes I feel like my mind goes on one direction and my body is just ever hoping to catch up. The cycle of pain runs so deep that even when I know that I can move on, my heart is suddenly paralyzed. My heart has fears of its own.

On days like these I feel like there are no more layers left to shed and then… I am confronted with a new ghost. The reason why I freeze, the reason why I cannot simply surrender is because I am afraid of vanishing. If I give in, where do I go? And more importantly, how do I come back? At some point in my life, I falsely believed that being vulnerable was dangerous and if I wanted to survive as an adult, I had to build a wall. One tidy, tight and almost imperceptible wall that would protect my heart at all costs. Much to my dismay, I have come to understand that surrender requires an open heart and it doesn’t really matter where do I go or if I vanish. What I need to somewhat internalize is that when I surrender, I don’t need eyes to find the way… my vulnerability is the way.

On days like these I look for solace in my own creativity, drawing is the secret language of my soul, to help my human self catch up with a much bigger truth: what happens to us does not defines us. It doesn’t break us or dismember us. That for every ounce of pain we feel, there is an infinite amount of love that is holding us, just as we are. On days like these I make myself sit still. On days like these, when I close my eyes and let my heart speak I can hear the truth in every beat. A truth that I always seem to forget: WE ARE WHOLE. WE ARE LOVED. WE ARE ENOUGH.

• Inspiring stories of understanding and healing trauma:

Nanette - Hannah Gadsby’s Netflix Special - https://www.netflix.com/title/80233611

I’m taking my body back - Rupi Kaur TEDx poetry - https://youtu.be/RlToQQfSlLA

• Poignant, brutal and beautiful poetry about healing from abuse

Milk & Honey by Rupi Kaur

• Masterful storytelling about the complexity and impact of childhood sexual abuse and memory:

  The Tale by Director Jennifer Fox - https://thetalemovie.com/