THE GIFT OF SHAME (Español abajo)

Shame is a familiar emotion when you've experienced trauma.
After all these years, I still feel shame. Shame of what happened to me, of the way my family reacted, of my inability to do better or the ways I used to cope.
This image comes from my search to better understand who am I, beyond the trauma. What is at the core of my identity?.

For days I imagined my warrior diving into the dark, deep waters of my shame. Diving deeper to get to where the "shame monster" lives, inside of me.
In the depths of this imaginary journey, my armor began to dissolve until I stood naked, and unarmed in front of the most terrifying monster: Medusa.

Then I realized I was not afraid of her, that something inside compelled me to look into her eyes. I was unafraid that her pain would turn me into stone.
An image became clear. My shame had a gift for me. A gift I could only receive by sitting still, and letting it tell me her story. The gift of discovering who I truly am.

When shame is triggered, we become reactive to the world around us. But what happens when we take a deep breath and just listen?.

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EL REGALO DE LA VERGÜENZA

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La vergüenza es una emoción familiar, para todo aquel que ha vivido un trauma.
A estas alturas, yo todavía siento vergüenza por lo que me pasó, por cómo reaccionó mi familia, por mi manera de evadirla y mis comportamientos autodestructivos. .
Esta imagen es el resultado de una exploración interna, en búsqueda de entender quién soy más allá del trauma. Una búsqueda para descubrir mi propia identidad.

Por un tiempo imaginé sumergirme en esas oscuras y profundas aguas, que representan la enorme vergüenza que a veces me abruma. Empecé a notar que mi armadura de guerrera se disolvía, a medida que me adentraba más en lo profundo. Estaba segura que al tocar fondo encontraría a un monstruo, la Medusa de la vergüenza que vive dentro de mi.

Y así desnuda y sin temor me encontrė con ella, con la seguridad de que si la miraba a los ojos, su dolor no me convertiría en piedra. Esta es la imágen que se formó en mi mente: La vergüenza tiene un regalo para mi. Un regalo que sólo es accesible, si soy capaz de sentarme con ella y escuchar su historia sin juzgarla. El regalo de saber quién soy yo y sentir la esencia de mi ser.

Sentimos vergüenza cuando el ambiente que nos rodea, detona lo que creemos está mal en nosotros mismos y no sabemos como "arreglar". Qué pasaría si la próxima vez que te sientes así, respiras profundo y escuchas lo que esta emoción viene a contarte?.

Topography of Pain - The wisdom contained in our inner landscape

“I needed to embody each and every kind of this particular darkness. A darkness that is not the one filled with monsters, but the one filled with stillness. “

When this piece first came into my mind, I wasn’t sure what it all meant. I just knew I had to explore it. Once again it evolved from just an image to a three dimensional representation of what I was feeling. Even when it was done, I still had no words to describe what it represented. However, that is the beauty of this process; I just let my imagination run wild, and let it show me what I have yet to find words for.

Once I finished, I placed it against the wall of my little studio space and observed it. I was looking for the hidden meaning of the elevation lines that seemed to be so relevant that I had to model them. Why are they going downwards? Why the color black? Why is there a full-grown woman in fetal position? And what the heck is up with the tiger-looking marks on her skin? The first word that popped into my mind was “Rebirth”. It resonated with an intense yearn to start anew. After such a journey, I had realized I was stepping into a new chapter of my life. At this point it was no longer about processing the past, but learning to navigate the present and create a new future.

Yet I felt so heavy with anger still, my wounds raw and throbbing. Then I remembered how numb I used to feel, and how much I resisted pain through decades of depression.  It made me realize that we come from a pain adverse culture, so I started questioning myself about it. It brought me back to what I had already learned through yoga and my journey: there is no other way but through.

What is it about pain that triggers us to dissociate from the experience? If we look at it logically when we know something hurts, we move away from it. But what happens when we ignore or numb our pain? We can’t really see what is causing it. We become bound to get hurt again and again. If I was looking for rebirth, I had to come to terms with the labor pains involved within it too. I needed to embrace the fact that the contractions that would push me out into my new life, where also going to hurt, but what was the price if I resisted them? The more I resisted the worst it got. It is exhausting and depleting…so why not just go through it? I asked myself HOW? I needed to go inwards. I needed to explore the depth of my own pain, downwards into the valley of my life experiences and trauma… just like the landscape in my drawing.

Here is where the need to feel the texture of pain comes in. This is why the tiger woman is in fetal position, in a sort of a womb space. If I’m seeking rebirth, I need to understand what does it entails. The figure of the womb is not new to my drawings; I’ve been exploring its symbology since I realized I’ve been at war with my own uterus since it first started bleeding.  As tough as it is to think about it, my own body wants to understand and I have to let it. There is knowledge in pain that I wont get anywhere else, and life is filled as much with joy as it is with pain. If I want to move forward, I need to be able to look into the eyes of my own sorrow. They hold a universe of wisdom that shows me where my limits are.

As I sat in my studio staring into this piece, I had no idea what was coming or how it would look like, but I knew I could not resist it anymore.

Now, a year and a half after I made this drawing I can finally understand its message. It was a sign for me to step into the darkness of my own pain and to hold it in my heart. To let my body release the last remaining tension held from so many years of denial. I needed to embody each and every kind of this particular darkness. A darkness that is not the one filled with monsters, but the one filled with stillness. Just like in the Universe that contains us. Filled with billions of flickering stars and the ever-present “hum” of life in constant creation.

It became clear to me that this was the pull I felt to leave my “familiar life” behind. Together with my husband, we decided to leave Miami and move further north. To a new city, a new venture and to take the space I needed to further heal. We were ready to leave our comfort zone and explore, little did we know it would challenge us beyond our own limits. It was terrifying; I left the security of a promising but incredibly demanding- job while my husband pursued a new career.

This past year and a half has been rich in challenges and layered with experiences, just like the topography in my drawing. I feel changed or maybe, just more like myself than I’ve ever been. Maybe the woman waiting to be reborn in my drawing is just a truer, wilder and wiser version of myself. Maybe she has been quietly sitting in my own womb, waiting to be remembered and reclaimed. Waiting for her time to be brought out into this world.  Maybe I just couldn’t see what my drawing meant because I was resisting its message. Maybe it was fear that was keeping me from seeing my own wisdom. Maybe it is just like Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön says: “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”.