“I will not contain my rage.
I will harness it.
I will transform it”.
Something I have learned from taking care of my health is that nothing happens in a vacuum. A big part of my physical recovery is because I worked together with an integrative medicine doctor, to find the root cause of my overall discomfort and various diagnoses. I had gone to different specialist and they would either give me a prescription or tell me I was just “ too stressed”. My main problem with the approach of western medicine in this country, is that no matter the specialty of the doctor they all look to fix the immediate pathology with prescriptions or surgery; but never really look into what is causing the disease or if it is related to any other organs or systems. What I love about integrative medicine is that it takes the science and tools of western medicine under a more holistic approach, where no symptom is ignored and all the systems are checked to truly understand how your body is working as a whole.
To me this is something that we can observe replicates in nature. Nothing happens without being the cause of something else or causing a new reaction by itself. Our bodies, our community and our world function under the same action and reaction principle (Newton’s third law of physics). The times we are living in are no different. The collective rage and upheaval after hundreds, maybe thousands, of years of systematic exploitation and oppression of minorities, women and the environment are no exception. So as much as I have been avoiding the subject, I cannot talk about my own rage without acknowledging the impact that the #metoo movement and the recent testimony of Dr. Ford has had on me.
I was already in therapy by the time the accusations on Harvey Weinstein became public and to be honest, it was not until I started noticing the reactions people will take, that I became interested in and triggered by it. What caught me off-guard was to hear how some people were savoring the details of each assault and treating it like spectacle. Blaming the survivors for putting themselves in harms way. I struggled the entire time whether or not to admit that I was yet another “me too” survivor. I wasn’t even sure that I could qualify any of my experiences as abuse or assault. No matter how awful my memories of abuse were, or the instances where I now can acknowledge that I was assaulted, I kept thinking that somehow it had been either my fault or they just weren’t “bad enough”.
Part of the problem with sexual abuse, particularly in children, is that the victim is subjected to such manipulation that the child thinks is participating willingly, so to expose the abuse will somehow confirm the victim’s part in it. Shame is used as a weapon to keep the victim quiet. Unfortunately as a child and later as a young adult, I had no vocabulary to express what had been done to me. I also did not know how to name the emotions I felt caused by trauma. As my therapy progressed, I learned about the myriad of telltale signs of sexual abuse in my behavior, my body and my perception of life and sexuality. I did not only have to confront the fact that I had been a victim, but it dawned on me that my husband was also a victim by proxy. We were both suffering the impact of the abuse as a couple and also as human beings in this culture. Once I became aware of what happened to me, even the most innocent hug, event or word would trigger me. Between us, every day felt like a minefield. Raging became my only option. Seeing the man I love hurt and struggle because of what had happened, almost 30 years ago, was beyond infuriating. Acknowledging the impact and suffering it cost my parents and the never-ending shame that we’ve all been carrying for decades was enough for me to burn in anger forever. I felt helpless however rage demands for something to be done, so I was presented with a choice. This was my call to action. I could spend the rest of my days lamenting the fact that I have no legal recourse against my perpetrator, while he carries on with his life pretending nothing happened, that what he did doesn’t matter. He was just “being a boy” and hell, this happened three decades ago! OR I could call in Lady Creativity and ask what could be done that can possible offset my rage in a positive way.
After allowing myself a decent amount of pure unrestricted rage, where I poured my soul into the pages of my journals and drew the lines of a blood thirsty warrior that would stop at nothing till every memory, every lie and every inch of my shame had been shredded to pieces and burned. Just then, I was able to get some perspective of what possibilities I had at hand. This is how Little Raging Warrior was born; from the believe that in sharing my story it will give others permission to heal too. However this is just not enough to appease my rage. It is not lost on me that the same environment that taught me and my parents to stay quiet and ashamed; is the same environment that taught my abuser that he was entitled to little girl’s bodies because he was more important than anyone else.
As much collective rage we are feeling due to the current state affairs and constant questioning of survivors and victim blaming, we need to acknowledge that the perpetrators are not “the monsters hidden in the bushes” we have all been taught to believe. With the exception of sociopaths, it is regular men and boys – and also women, although in less occurrence- that are committing assault and operating in plain sight. I believe that people hold so strongly onto doubting survivors, because to face reality is much more painful and complex. If we admit that perpetrators are the men in our lives, we are forced to see where are we being complacent or accomplices to these behaviors. It is not a nice mirror to look into. Nevertheless we cannot move forward if we do not account for our errors and crimes within our culture and institutions.
I understand not every survivor has the bandwidth or is willing to have these conversations and they shouldn’t. It should be those who can hold space for us and guarantee our safety, the ones setting the table for this subject. Still, this is uncharted territory and I personally cannot wait for the “right moment” and the “right conditions”. I am also aware that we are bound to make mistakes, we are simply human, but ignoring it and delaying it is simply NOT AN OPTION.
Once again, these are hard times that require hard conversations, but I cannot stand up and tell the men in my life to “shut up and listen, while we take down the patriarchy”. To me that is simply just shifting the balance in favor of one side only. I respect and admire every human that is showing up in her or his own way. I’d just like for you to consider my offer. I believe that an eye for an eye and fighting fire with fire WILL NOT bring the change we so desperately need. We need to look inside and acknowledge where have we played a part in supporting the toxic believes on masculinity, women’s worth and inequality.
Please understand that I am not condoning or excusing sexual predators and the rape culture, but as I mentioned at the beginning NOTHING HAPPENS IN A VACUUM. The way I see it, sexual violence is but a symptom to the pathology we are calling patriarchy. The effect it has had on us for generations, as a whole is the same as when our bodies get sick. We are manifesting what is making us ill, not only as human beings but as a culture. If we are going to get through the other side, we need to treat the root cause of our disease, all of it, even if it means atoning for own mistakes.
By ignoring what is making regular men and women feel entitled to other people’s bodies and inflicting violence upon them, we will only perpetuate the cycle of sexual violence. We need to open space for the men in our lives, about our experiences as survivors and as women. We need to call things by their names and TOGETHER draw new boundaries and define what consent is, as individuals and as a collective. This is not the witch-hunt people in power will like us to believe. This is a reckoning, we need to be wise enough to use our rage to propel positive change and move forward. That is how we grow and evolve, TOGETHER AS ONE.
If you are currently struggling with self-harm or suicidal thoughts please know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE and there is help available for you, please check the link below:
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/
To learn more about the impact of sexual abuse, here is a book I recommend to survivors as well as partners or family members of survivors:
The Sexual Healing Journey, A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse. 3rd Edition by Wendy Maltz.
Another life changing TED Talk about the importance on talking about what turns people into predators. (please note this might be highly triggering to survivors)
Our Story of rape and reconciliation with Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger - https://youtu.be/gyPoqFcvt9w
Other psychology/sociology books that have been great resources for me:
Rising Strong by Brené Brown.
The Dance of Anger & Why Won't You Apologize by Harriet Lerner.
Eastern Body Western Mind by Anodea Judith