GRIEVING

After 3 years of pandemic and the world imploding... A lot of us are experiencing grief one way or another. So I think it is a good time to share my own experience with one of the most complex emotions there is.

I once heard writer @elizabeth_gilbert_writer say that grief has been her biggest creative challenge. This gave me goosebumps but I was not able to understand it... Until grief swallowed me whole.
I thought I had already mourn the loss that comes with healing trauma, and shedding the stories I told myself to survive. I had no clue that it was just the beginning.

Once the anger started to reside, I felt heavy... oh so heavy!. As if I had been molten lava running down hill with full force, and suddenly I hit the ocean and became rock solid. Sinking into the deep.
On the outside it looked like depression. I was moody, loosing sense of time, skipping meals and just not taking care of myself. I felt like I was suffocating, and the world was becoming narrower and narrower. In an attempt to come back to myself, I grabbed my pen and started sketching... looking for an image that translated the rawness of it all.

All I knew was that I was not depressed. Depression to me equals feeling numb... and I was feeling so much. To the point of overwhelm. I couldn't regulate, any little thing would send me on a spiral of sadness, rage and anxiety. All of it happening on the inside, while looking drained and exhausted on the outside.

This is how the little girl showed up for me, on a raft, adrift at see. On a moonless night over a calm but deep, deep waters. Waiting. Sitting. Drifting. It was sharp and complex...in the end all I could do was to FEEL IT.

@brenebrown defines grief as the feeling of loss and feeling lost. Once I realized this, I was able to name it. It took me months, but then I remembered Liz's words and went to work with it. I started introducing dance to my yoga practice and allow myself time to cry and release. It was hard, surprisingly fun and it was so healing.
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To learn to grief, is to learn to surrender. Nothing can contain it, nothing will stop it. Just like a river that will find its way to the ocean, grief will show you that sometimes you just have to let things go through you.

Whatever loss you are experiencing now, I see you. You are not alone!

THE GIFT OF SHAME (Español abajo)

Shame is a familiar emotion when you've experienced trauma.
After all these years, I still feel shame. Shame of what happened to me, of the way my family reacted, of my inability to do better or the ways I used to cope.
This image comes from my search to better understand who am I, beyond the trauma. What is at the core of my identity?.

For days I imagined my warrior diving into the dark, deep waters of my shame. Diving deeper to get to where the "shame monster" lives, inside of me.
In the depths of this imaginary journey, my armor began to dissolve until I stood naked, and unarmed in front of the most terrifying monster: Medusa.

Then I realized I was not afraid of her, that something inside compelled me to look into her eyes. I was unafraid that her pain would turn me into stone.
An image became clear. My shame had a gift for me. A gift I could only receive by sitting still, and letting it tell me her story. The gift of discovering who I truly am.

When shame is triggered, we become reactive to the world around us. But what happens when we take a deep breath and just listen?.

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EL REGALO DE LA VERGÜENZA

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La vergüenza es una emoción familiar, para todo aquel que ha vivido un trauma.
A estas alturas, yo todavía siento vergüenza por lo que me pasó, por cómo reaccionó mi familia, por mi manera de evadirla y mis comportamientos autodestructivos. .
Esta imagen es el resultado de una exploración interna, en búsqueda de entender quién soy más allá del trauma. Una búsqueda para descubrir mi propia identidad.

Por un tiempo imaginé sumergirme en esas oscuras y profundas aguas, que representan la enorme vergüenza que a veces me abruma. Empecé a notar que mi armadura de guerrera se disolvía, a medida que me adentraba más en lo profundo. Estaba segura que al tocar fondo encontraría a un monstruo, la Medusa de la vergüenza que vive dentro de mi.

Y así desnuda y sin temor me encontrė con ella, con la seguridad de que si la miraba a los ojos, su dolor no me convertiría en piedra. Esta es la imágen que se formó en mi mente: La vergüenza tiene un regalo para mi. Un regalo que sólo es accesible, si soy capaz de sentarme con ella y escuchar su historia sin juzgarla. El regalo de saber quién soy yo y sentir la esencia de mi ser.

Sentimos vergüenza cuando el ambiente que nos rodea, detona lo que creemos está mal en nosotros mismos y no sabemos como "arreglar". Qué pasaría si la próxima vez que te sientes así, respiras profundo y escuchas lo que esta emoción viene a contarte?.

LET IT BURN

Sometimes it feels like most of my energy goes into trying to hold it together. The never ending struggle to keep things as they are, or as I think they are supposed to be.

One day, I just woke up feeling exhausted and ashamed for not being able to go through a day without feeling like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Healing and tending to my mental health is a full time job. Some days are just plain hard.
I remember, during a very challenging season in my marriage, we went to grab dinner at a burger joint. Have some "quality time" together. On a table next to us, there was a young couple with two kids. Somewhat they were managing to eat, share some light conversation with their friends, AND keep an eye on the toddlers. I wondered, how do they do all that? How do they do life, and parenting and talking to friends? I could barely chew my burger without crying. That day I just couldn't do “quality time”, be a wife, or eating for that matter. I was ready to just drop the ball and fall apart, right there... in the middle of a burger joint.

A few days later it landed on me, the exhaustion came from this "keeping it together" mentality. I was holding on to an idea of how my healing and my marriage should be. There was no space for me to reconcile the ideal with reality. So after an ugly fight, and thinking that I just couldn't carry on like this... This image formed in my mind...then a phrase: LET.IT.BURN.

What happens when we let go of the idea of how things are supposed to be? What unravels when we stop fighting our own reality, and just let it all fall apart? What truths are uncovered when the dust settles and you can see things for what they are?.

Now, stand in that clearing and imagine what can you create anew.

AGOTADA - CONGELADA EN EL TIEMPO (English below)

“está bien si me toma el doble de tiempo hacer hasta lo más simple.”

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Una de las cosas que se me hace más difícil de lidiar es el agotamiento que viene luego de una crisis de ansiedad.

A veces pienso que vivo en dos mundos El físico y el imaginario. Ambos a velocidades totalmente opuestas. Mi mente no para, siempre estoy pensando en todas las cosas que quiero crear y hacer. El problema es que vivir con ansiedad, significa vivir en constante estado de alerta. Esto consume muchísima energía y la verdad, se me hace muy difícil controlarlo. Sí, hay yoga, respiración y autocuidado pero me toma mucho más tiempo regular mi sistema nervioso que a alguien que no vive con ansiedad .

La consecuencia es pasar por temporadas donde simplemente no tengo energía ni para dormir . Es un ciclo vicioso que tengo que navegar con mucha conciencia y mucha PACIENCIA.

Buscar ayuda, cuidar mi alimentación y entender que tengo que parar. Que está bien si me toma el doble de tiempo hacer hasta lo más simple. Que mi valor no está atado a mi productividad y que es cuando logro sentarme en calma, que la energía vuelve a florecer.

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EXHAUSTION - FROZEN IN TIME

“I remind myself that it is ok, if something takes me double the time as usual. That my worth is not tied to my productivity...”

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One of the toughest things for me to deal with, is the exhaustion that comes after an anxiety crisis.

Sometimes it feels like I live in 2 different realities. The one inside my head and the “real” world. Both going at opposite speeds. My mind never stops. I am always dreaming what to create next and what I’d like to do. However, living with anxiety means living in a constant state of alert. This burns ridiculous amounts of energy and quite frankly it is hard to manage.
Yes, I do yoga, breathing exercises and self-care but it takes me a long time to regulate my body. It is an extra burden than just managing regular stress.
This translates into long periods where I have no energy, even sleeping becomes a chore. It is a vicious cycle that I have to navigate mindfully and with a lot of PATIENCE.

Reach out for help, practice mindful eating and simply rest. I remind myself that it is ok, if something takes me double the time as usual. That my worth is not tied to my productivity, and that is in STILLNESS where my energy starts to sprout again.