SELF REGULATION = FREEDOM (Español abajo)

“To bring my nervous system out from fight or flight, means to detox from all that is foreign and harmful to my body and mind.”

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The lesson I’ve been working on this year, and there is so much to process still. However, learning to actively regulate my emotions and manage the state of my nervous system, feels like finally being able to remove the straitjacket of anxiety. The certainty that no matter what goes on, I can come back to myself.
Here is what I’ve learned so far:

It is the result of the work I’ve been doing for the last decade. The various types of therapy, the self inquiry, my yoga practice and meeting amazing health practitioners and spiritual mentors has created the foundation for me to grasp better what it means to regulate my body-mind back to a state where I can function.

Also working with @bewellwithhope who’s training as a functional trauma therapist and holistic nutritionist has helped me set a clear path to reclaim my health. Both physical and mental.

I’ve learned that detoxing from food is not enough. To bring my nervous system out from fight or flight, means to detox from all that is foreign and harmful to my body and mind. This includes harmful implants, relationships, people and situations.

I’ve learned the true meaning of mothering myself. To nourish both my body and inner child.

For the first time in 20 years, I get to discover who I am beyond my trauma and mental illness. Not to say they are gone, but when they show up, I can weather the storm grounded with a clear way back.

I’ve dreamt of a world where this type of healing is accessible to all. And today my hope in making it happen, is stronger than ever. Thank you Cass @bewellwithhope for the gift of your healing.

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AUTO-REGULACIÓN = LIBERTAD

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“Es igual de importante desintoxicarse de todo lo que es dañino para el cuerpo y la mente.”

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Este es el tema en el que estoy trabajando este año y todavía me falta mucho por aprender. Sin embargo, saber como regular mis emociones y gestionar mi sistema nervioso me liberado de la camisa de fuerza que representa la ansiedad para mi. Tener la certeza de que no importa lo que pase, puedo regresar a mi, es una libertad que nunca había experimentado.

Estas son las lecciones que he aprendido hasta ahora:

Este momento es el resultado de todo el trabajo que he realizado en la ultima década. El resultado de atender varios tipo de terapia, desarrollar prácticas de auto-cuestionamiento, de yoga y creatividad. Haber tenido la oportunidad de trabajar con especialistas de salud y mentores espirituales, me ha proporcionado las bases para entender lo que significa regular mi cuerpo y mente, de regreso a un estado en el que puedo funcionar de manera saludable.

Trabajar directamente con @bewellwithhope , terapista de trauma funcional y nutricionista holística. Ella me ha ayudado a establecer un camino claro para recuperar mi salud tanto física como mental. Es increíble la diferencia de trabajar con alguien especializado en el impacto de TEPT en el sistema nervioso y como influye en las funciones corporales y mentales.

He aprendido que los detox solo de alimentación no son suficiente. Es igual de importante desintoxicarse de todo lo que es dañino para el cuerpo y la mente. Esto incluye: implantes innecesarios, relaciones personales, trabajo y cualquier situación detonante.

Estoy aprendiendo el verdadero significado de desarrollar mi energía maternal y poder nutrir tanto mi cuerpo, como mi niña interna.

Ahora luego de 20 años de lucha por una mejor salud, cuento con la oportunidad de saber quien soy mas allá de los traumas y mi salud mental. Lo que no quiere decir que ya no existen, sino que cuando algo me detona, tengo la capacidad de navegar la tormenta de una manera mas estable y con un camino de regreso hacia mi verdadero yo.

A lo largo de mi travesía, he soñado con un mundo donde este tipo de sanación está al alcance de todos.Aunque todavía me falta mucho por hacer, cuento con un sentimiento de esperanza renovada de poder contribuir con otros a sanar.

Gracias a Cass y a todos los que han cruzado mi camino, por compartir el regalo de la sanación. Hoy más que nunca estoy clara de que compartiendo nuestras historias es como lograremos sanar el mundo.

Topography of Pain - The wisdom contained in our inner landscape

“I needed to embody each and every kind of this particular darkness. A darkness that is not the one filled with monsters, but the one filled with stillness. “

When this piece first came into my mind, I wasn’t sure what it all meant. I just knew I had to explore it. Once again it evolved from just an image to a three dimensional representation of what I was feeling. Even when it was done, I still had no words to describe what it represented. However, that is the beauty of this process; I just let my imagination run wild, and let it show me what I have yet to find words for.

Once I finished, I placed it against the wall of my little studio space and observed it. I was looking for the hidden meaning of the elevation lines that seemed to be so relevant that I had to model them. Why are they going downwards? Why the color black? Why is there a full-grown woman in fetal position? And what the heck is up with the tiger-looking marks on her skin? The first word that popped into my mind was “Rebirth”. It resonated with an intense yearn to start anew. After such a journey, I had realized I was stepping into a new chapter of my life. At this point it was no longer about processing the past, but learning to navigate the present and create a new future.

Yet I felt so heavy with anger still, my wounds raw and throbbing. Then I remembered how numb I used to feel, and how much I resisted pain through decades of depression.  It made me realize that we come from a pain adverse culture, so I started questioning myself about it. It brought me back to what I had already learned through yoga and my journey: there is no other way but through.

What is it about pain that triggers us to dissociate from the experience? If we look at it logically when we know something hurts, we move away from it. But what happens when we ignore or numb our pain? We can’t really see what is causing it. We become bound to get hurt again and again. If I was looking for rebirth, I had to come to terms with the labor pains involved within it too. I needed to embrace the fact that the contractions that would push me out into my new life, where also going to hurt, but what was the price if I resisted them? The more I resisted the worst it got. It is exhausting and depleting…so why not just go through it? I asked myself HOW? I needed to go inwards. I needed to explore the depth of my own pain, downwards into the valley of my life experiences and trauma… just like the landscape in my drawing.

Here is where the need to feel the texture of pain comes in. This is why the tiger woman is in fetal position, in a sort of a womb space. If I’m seeking rebirth, I need to understand what does it entails. The figure of the womb is not new to my drawings; I’ve been exploring its symbology since I realized I’ve been at war with my own uterus since it first started bleeding.  As tough as it is to think about it, my own body wants to understand and I have to let it. There is knowledge in pain that I wont get anywhere else, and life is filled as much with joy as it is with pain. If I want to move forward, I need to be able to look into the eyes of my own sorrow. They hold a universe of wisdom that shows me where my limits are.

As I sat in my studio staring into this piece, I had no idea what was coming or how it would look like, but I knew I could not resist it anymore.

Now, a year and a half after I made this drawing I can finally understand its message. It was a sign for me to step into the darkness of my own pain and to hold it in my heart. To let my body release the last remaining tension held from so many years of denial. I needed to embody each and every kind of this particular darkness. A darkness that is not the one filled with monsters, but the one filled with stillness. Just like in the Universe that contains us. Filled with billions of flickering stars and the ever-present “hum” of life in constant creation.

It became clear to me that this was the pull I felt to leave my “familiar life” behind. Together with my husband, we decided to leave Miami and move further north. To a new city, a new venture and to take the space I needed to further heal. We were ready to leave our comfort zone and explore, little did we know it would challenge us beyond our own limits. It was terrifying; I left the security of a promising but incredibly demanding- job while my husband pursued a new career.

This past year and a half has been rich in challenges and layered with experiences, just like the topography in my drawing. I feel changed or maybe, just more like myself than I’ve ever been. Maybe the woman waiting to be reborn in my drawing is just a truer, wilder and wiser version of myself. Maybe she has been quietly sitting in my own womb, waiting to be remembered and reclaimed. Waiting for her time to be brought out into this world.  Maybe I just couldn’t see what my drawing meant because I was resisting its message. Maybe it was fear that was keeping me from seeing my own wisdom. Maybe it is just like Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön says: “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”.