GRIEVING

After 3 years of pandemic and the world imploding... A lot of us are experiencing grief one way or another. So I think it is a good time to share my own experience with one of the most complex emotions there is.

I once heard writer @elizabeth_gilbert_writer say that grief has been her biggest creative challenge. This gave me goosebumps but I was not able to understand it... Until grief swallowed me whole.
I thought I had already mourn the loss that comes with healing trauma, and shedding the stories I told myself to survive. I had no clue that it was just the beginning.

Once the anger started to reside, I felt heavy... oh so heavy!. As if I had been molten lava running down hill with full force, and suddenly I hit the ocean and became rock solid. Sinking into the deep.
On the outside it looked like depression. I was moody, loosing sense of time, skipping meals and just not taking care of myself. I felt like I was suffocating, and the world was becoming narrower and narrower. In an attempt to come back to myself, I grabbed my pen and started sketching... looking for an image that translated the rawness of it all.

All I knew was that I was not depressed. Depression to me equals feeling numb... and I was feeling so much. To the point of overwhelm. I couldn't regulate, any little thing would send me on a spiral of sadness, rage and anxiety. All of it happening on the inside, while looking drained and exhausted on the outside.

This is how the little girl showed up for me, on a raft, adrift at see. On a moonless night over a calm but deep, deep waters. Waiting. Sitting. Drifting. It was sharp and complex...in the end all I could do was to FEEL IT.

@brenebrown defines grief as the feeling of loss and feeling lost. Once I realized this, I was able to name it. It took me months, but then I remembered Liz's words and went to work with it. I started introducing dance to my yoga practice and allow myself time to cry and release. It was hard, surprisingly fun and it was so healing.
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To learn to grief, is to learn to surrender. Nothing can contain it, nothing will stop it. Just like a river that will find its way to the ocean, grief will show you that sometimes you just have to let things go through you.

Whatever loss you are experiencing now, I see you. You are not alone!

THE GIFT OF SHAME (Español abajo)

Shame is a familiar emotion when you've experienced trauma.
After all these years, I still feel shame. Shame of what happened to me, of the way my family reacted, of my inability to do better or the ways I used to cope.
This image comes from my search to better understand who am I, beyond the trauma. What is at the core of my identity?.

For days I imagined my warrior diving into the dark, deep waters of my shame. Diving deeper to get to where the "shame monster" lives, inside of me.
In the depths of this imaginary journey, my armor began to dissolve until I stood naked, and unarmed in front of the most terrifying monster: Medusa.

Then I realized I was not afraid of her, that something inside compelled me to look into her eyes. I was unafraid that her pain would turn me into stone.
An image became clear. My shame had a gift for me. A gift I could only receive by sitting still, and letting it tell me her story. The gift of discovering who I truly am.

When shame is triggered, we become reactive to the world around us. But what happens when we take a deep breath and just listen?.

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EL REGALO DE LA VERGÜENZA

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La vergüenza es una emoción familiar, para todo aquel que ha vivido un trauma.
A estas alturas, yo todavía siento vergüenza por lo que me pasó, por cómo reaccionó mi familia, por mi manera de evadirla y mis comportamientos autodestructivos. .
Esta imagen es el resultado de una exploración interna, en búsqueda de entender quién soy más allá del trauma. Una búsqueda para descubrir mi propia identidad.

Por un tiempo imaginé sumergirme en esas oscuras y profundas aguas, que representan la enorme vergüenza que a veces me abruma. Empecé a notar que mi armadura de guerrera se disolvía, a medida que me adentraba más en lo profundo. Estaba segura que al tocar fondo encontraría a un monstruo, la Medusa de la vergüenza que vive dentro de mi.

Y así desnuda y sin temor me encontrė con ella, con la seguridad de que si la miraba a los ojos, su dolor no me convertiría en piedra. Esta es la imágen que se formó en mi mente: La vergüenza tiene un regalo para mi. Un regalo que sólo es accesible, si soy capaz de sentarme con ella y escuchar su historia sin juzgarla. El regalo de saber quién soy yo y sentir la esencia de mi ser.

Sentimos vergüenza cuando el ambiente que nos rodea, detona lo que creemos está mal en nosotros mismos y no sabemos como "arreglar". Qué pasaría si la próxima vez que te sientes así, respiras profundo y escuchas lo que esta emoción viene a contarte?.

ANSIEDAD ES CREATIVIDAD SIN USAR (English Below)

Durante el tercer mes de la cuarentena, mi ansiedad empezó a escalar a tal punto, que había suficiente yoga, ejercicios de respiración o desconexión de las noticias que me ayudaran a regularla. Poco a poco empecé a disociarme de mi cuerpo y de mi entorno, mudándome permanentemente a ese lugar de mi mente donde imagino TODO LO PEOR QUE PUEDE OCURRIR.

Ahí es cuando me acordé de lo que menciono @doodlesforchange en una de nuestras conversaciones. Ella mencionó que si no tenemos cuidado la creatividad se puede tornar en nuestra contra. Básicamente ella dice que la ansiedad es el lado oscuro de la creatividad. Así como somos capaces de imaginar el mundo que queremos, también podemos vivir nuestras peores pesadillas, y proyectarlas en un ciclo infinito en nuestras mentes.

Esto me hizo darme cuenta de dos cosas:
-La ansiedad es una prueba más que demuestra que TODOS SOMOS CREATIVOS.
-La creatividad que no se usa, se vuelve una fuerza destructiva.

Asi que decidí darle un trabajo a mi ansiedad y empezar a imaginar un escenario que me ayudara a relajarme. El encierro me hacía sentir claustrofobia así, que la primera imagen fue la de volar libremente. Luego fue reconocer las ganas de descansar y poder ganar un poco de distancia que me dieran una nueva perspectiva. Fue así como esta imágen se formó en mi mente.

El siguiente paso, fue regresar a mi cuerpo. Así que empecé a enfocarme en cómo se sentiría el aire de una noche de verano en mi piel. La sensación de calidez que encontraría en el plumaje del cuervo. Y el poder relajarme mientras con su vuelo, me llevaría a un lugar lejos de todo caos. Luego pensé en lo relajante que es para mi, observar ciudades desde la distancia. Es mi parte favorita de viajar en avión. Poder observar a distancia el energía vibrante y nerviosa de una ciudad, sin tener que sumergirme en ella es realmente surreal.

Asi que ahora, cuando siento la ansiedad queriendo tomar el control, me recuerdo de esta imágen... y repito el ejercicio de visualización. Me permite darle un trabajo a mi ansiedad y relajarme sin caer en la autocrítica.

Alguna vez has intentado algo similar? Habías pensado alguna vez sobre la relacion entre la creatividad y la ansiedad?.

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ANXIETY IS CREATIVITY WITHOUT A JOB

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On month three of the lockdown, my anxiety was starting to take over me 👀. No matter how much I controlled the news intake, or did yoga...or went bird watching. I slowly started to dissociate from my body and spend most of the time worrying. Imagining all the worst possible scenarios about literally EVERYTHING.

So one day I remembered my conversation with my friend @doodlesforchange She mentioned how creativity can sometimes turn against us... if we are not careful. How anxiety is the shadow side of our creativity. Just like we are able to dream and imagine the world we want ... we can also give life to our worst fears and play them on a loop in our minds.

I came to realize the following:.

-This is yet another proof of how we are all creative, whether we acknowledge it or not.
-If we don't use our creativity it will become destructive.

So I decided to reverse my anxiety and stop dissociating by imagining something that would make me feel like I could relax. I was getting claustrophobic, so the thought of flying away came in first. Then I began acknowledging how much I needed to really rest ... and how much I wanted to get some perspective.
This is how this piece came to be.

The next step was to come back to my body ... I started visualizing how the summer air would feel on my skin. How the crow feathers would keep me warm enough to relax. I also imagined that if I were to wake up... I could look at the city lights down below. Watching cities from above while I am traveling is extremely relaxing for me. Being able to admire the vibrancy and nervous energy from a city without having to be submerged in it is almost surreal.

Now whenever I feel anxiety creeping in, I come back to this exercise... I have found that it is a gentle way to give my anxiety a job, without having to feel bad for it or diving into self-criticism.

Have you ever tried something similar? Have you ever made the connection between Creativity and Anxiety?

LET IT BURN

Sometimes it feels like most of my energy goes into trying to hold it together. The never ending struggle to keep things as they are, or as I think they are supposed to be.

One day, I just woke up feeling exhausted and ashamed for not being able to go through a day without feeling like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Healing and tending to my mental health is a full time job. Some days are just plain hard.
I remember, during a very challenging season in my marriage, we went to grab dinner at a burger joint. Have some "quality time" together. On a table next to us, there was a young couple with two kids. Somewhat they were managing to eat, share some light conversation with their friends, AND keep an eye on the toddlers. I wondered, how do they do all that? How do they do life, and parenting and talking to friends? I could barely chew my burger without crying. That day I just couldn't do “quality time”, be a wife, or eating for that matter. I was ready to just drop the ball and fall apart, right there... in the middle of a burger joint.

A few days later it landed on me, the exhaustion came from this "keeping it together" mentality. I was holding on to an idea of how my healing and my marriage should be. There was no space for me to reconcile the ideal with reality. So after an ugly fight, and thinking that I just couldn't carry on like this... This image formed in my mind...then a phrase: LET.IT.BURN.

What happens when we let go of the idea of how things are supposed to be? What unravels when we stop fighting our own reality, and just let it all fall apart? What truths are uncovered when the dust settles and you can see things for what they are?.

Now, stand in that clearing and imagine what can you create anew.

SELF REGULATION = FREEDOM (Español abajo)

“To bring my nervous system out from fight or flight, means to detox from all that is foreign and harmful to my body and mind.”

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The lesson I’ve been working on this year, and there is so much to process still. However, learning to actively regulate my emotions and manage the state of my nervous system, feels like finally being able to remove the straitjacket of anxiety. The certainty that no matter what goes on, I can come back to myself.
Here is what I’ve learned so far:

It is the result of the work I’ve been doing for the last decade. The various types of therapy, the self inquiry, my yoga practice and meeting amazing health practitioners and spiritual mentors has created the foundation for me to grasp better what it means to regulate my body-mind back to a state where I can function.

Also working with @bewellwithhope who’s training as a functional trauma therapist and holistic nutritionist has helped me set a clear path to reclaim my health. Both physical and mental.

I’ve learned that detoxing from food is not enough. To bring my nervous system out from fight or flight, means to detox from all that is foreign and harmful to my body and mind. This includes harmful implants, relationships, people and situations.

I’ve learned the true meaning of mothering myself. To nourish both my body and inner child.

For the first time in 20 years, I get to discover who I am beyond my trauma and mental illness. Not to say they are gone, but when they show up, I can weather the storm grounded with a clear way back.

I’ve dreamt of a world where this type of healing is accessible to all. And today my hope in making it happen, is stronger than ever. Thank you Cass @bewellwithhope for the gift of your healing.

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AUTO-REGULACIÓN = LIBERTAD

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“Es igual de importante desintoxicarse de todo lo que es dañino para el cuerpo y la mente.”

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Este es el tema en el que estoy trabajando este año y todavía me falta mucho por aprender. Sin embargo, saber como regular mis emociones y gestionar mi sistema nervioso me liberado de la camisa de fuerza que representa la ansiedad para mi. Tener la certeza de que no importa lo que pase, puedo regresar a mi, es una libertad que nunca había experimentado.

Estas son las lecciones que he aprendido hasta ahora:

Este momento es el resultado de todo el trabajo que he realizado en la ultima década. El resultado de atender varios tipo de terapia, desarrollar prácticas de auto-cuestionamiento, de yoga y creatividad. Haber tenido la oportunidad de trabajar con especialistas de salud y mentores espirituales, me ha proporcionado las bases para entender lo que significa regular mi cuerpo y mente, de regreso a un estado en el que puedo funcionar de manera saludable.

Trabajar directamente con @bewellwithhope , terapista de trauma funcional y nutricionista holística. Ella me ha ayudado a establecer un camino claro para recuperar mi salud tanto física como mental. Es increíble la diferencia de trabajar con alguien especializado en el impacto de TEPT en el sistema nervioso y como influye en las funciones corporales y mentales.

He aprendido que los detox solo de alimentación no son suficiente. Es igual de importante desintoxicarse de todo lo que es dañino para el cuerpo y la mente. Esto incluye: implantes innecesarios, relaciones personales, trabajo y cualquier situación detonante.

Estoy aprendiendo el verdadero significado de desarrollar mi energía maternal y poder nutrir tanto mi cuerpo, como mi niña interna.

Ahora luego de 20 años de lucha por una mejor salud, cuento con la oportunidad de saber quien soy mas allá de los traumas y mi salud mental. Lo que no quiere decir que ya no existen, sino que cuando algo me detona, tengo la capacidad de navegar la tormenta de una manera mas estable y con un camino de regreso hacia mi verdadero yo.

A lo largo de mi travesía, he soñado con un mundo donde este tipo de sanación está al alcance de todos.Aunque todavía me falta mucho por hacer, cuento con un sentimiento de esperanza renovada de poder contribuir con otros a sanar.

Gracias a Cass y a todos los que han cruzado mi camino, por compartir el regalo de la sanación. Hoy más que nunca estoy clara de que compartiendo nuestras historias es como lograremos sanar el mundo.

Topography of Pain - The wisdom contained in our inner landscape

“I needed to embody each and every kind of this particular darkness. A darkness that is not the one filled with monsters, but the one filled with stillness. “

When this piece first came into my mind, I wasn’t sure what it all meant. I just knew I had to explore it. Once again it evolved from just an image to a three dimensional representation of what I was feeling. Even when it was done, I still had no words to describe what it represented. However, that is the beauty of this process; I just let my imagination run wild, and let it show me what I have yet to find words for.

Once I finished, I placed it against the wall of my little studio space and observed it. I was looking for the hidden meaning of the elevation lines that seemed to be so relevant that I had to model them. Why are they going downwards? Why the color black? Why is there a full-grown woman in fetal position? And what the heck is up with the tiger-looking marks on her skin? The first word that popped into my mind was “Rebirth”. It resonated with an intense yearn to start anew. After such a journey, I had realized I was stepping into a new chapter of my life. At this point it was no longer about processing the past, but learning to navigate the present and create a new future.

Yet I felt so heavy with anger still, my wounds raw and throbbing. Then I remembered how numb I used to feel, and how much I resisted pain through decades of depression.  It made me realize that we come from a pain adverse culture, so I started questioning myself about it. It brought me back to what I had already learned through yoga and my journey: there is no other way but through.

What is it about pain that triggers us to dissociate from the experience? If we look at it logically when we know something hurts, we move away from it. But what happens when we ignore or numb our pain? We can’t really see what is causing it. We become bound to get hurt again and again. If I was looking for rebirth, I had to come to terms with the labor pains involved within it too. I needed to embrace the fact that the contractions that would push me out into my new life, where also going to hurt, but what was the price if I resisted them? The more I resisted the worst it got. It is exhausting and depleting…so why not just go through it? I asked myself HOW? I needed to go inwards. I needed to explore the depth of my own pain, downwards into the valley of my life experiences and trauma… just like the landscape in my drawing.

Here is where the need to feel the texture of pain comes in. This is why the tiger woman is in fetal position, in a sort of a womb space. If I’m seeking rebirth, I need to understand what does it entails. The figure of the womb is not new to my drawings; I’ve been exploring its symbology since I realized I’ve been at war with my own uterus since it first started bleeding.  As tough as it is to think about it, my own body wants to understand and I have to let it. There is knowledge in pain that I wont get anywhere else, and life is filled as much with joy as it is with pain. If I want to move forward, I need to be able to look into the eyes of my own sorrow. They hold a universe of wisdom that shows me where my limits are.

As I sat in my studio staring into this piece, I had no idea what was coming or how it would look like, but I knew I could not resist it anymore.

Now, a year and a half after I made this drawing I can finally understand its message. It was a sign for me to step into the darkness of my own pain and to hold it in my heart. To let my body release the last remaining tension held from so many years of denial. I needed to embody each and every kind of this particular darkness. A darkness that is not the one filled with monsters, but the one filled with stillness. Just like in the Universe that contains us. Filled with billions of flickering stars and the ever-present “hum” of life in constant creation.

It became clear to me that this was the pull I felt to leave my “familiar life” behind. Together with my husband, we decided to leave Miami and move further north. To a new city, a new venture and to take the space I needed to further heal. We were ready to leave our comfort zone and explore, little did we know it would challenge us beyond our own limits. It was terrifying; I left the security of a promising but incredibly demanding- job while my husband pursued a new career.

This past year and a half has been rich in challenges and layered with experiences, just like the topography in my drawing. I feel changed or maybe, just more like myself than I’ve ever been. Maybe the woman waiting to be reborn in my drawing is just a truer, wilder and wiser version of myself. Maybe she has been quietly sitting in my own womb, waiting to be remembered and reclaimed. Waiting for her time to be brought out into this world.  Maybe I just couldn’t see what my drawing meant because I was resisting its message. Maybe it was fear that was keeping me from seeing my own wisdom. Maybe it is just like Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön says: “Fear is a natural reaction to moving closer to the truth”.