GRIEVING

After 3 years of pandemic and the world imploding... A lot of us are experiencing grief one way or another. So I think it is a good time to share my own experience with one of the most complex emotions there is.

I once heard writer @elizabeth_gilbert_writer say that grief has been her biggest creative challenge. This gave me goosebumps but I was not able to understand it... Until grief swallowed me whole.
I thought I had already mourn the loss that comes with healing trauma, and shedding the stories I told myself to survive. I had no clue that it was just the beginning.

Once the anger started to reside, I felt heavy... oh so heavy!. As if I had been molten lava running down hill with full force, and suddenly I hit the ocean and became rock solid. Sinking into the deep.
On the outside it looked like depression. I was moody, loosing sense of time, skipping meals and just not taking care of myself. I felt like I was suffocating, and the world was becoming narrower and narrower. In an attempt to come back to myself, I grabbed my pen and started sketching... looking for an image that translated the rawness of it all.

All I knew was that I was not depressed. Depression to me equals feeling numb... and I was feeling so much. To the point of overwhelm. I couldn't regulate, any little thing would send me on a spiral of sadness, rage and anxiety. All of it happening on the inside, while looking drained and exhausted on the outside.

This is how the little girl showed up for me, on a raft, adrift at see. On a moonless night over a calm but deep, deep waters. Waiting. Sitting. Drifting. It was sharp and complex...in the end all I could do was to FEEL IT.

@brenebrown defines grief as the feeling of loss and feeling lost. Once I realized this, I was able to name it. It took me months, but then I remembered Liz's words and went to work with it. I started introducing dance to my yoga practice and allow myself time to cry and release. It was hard, surprisingly fun and it was so healing.
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To learn to grief, is to learn to surrender. Nothing can contain it, nothing will stop it. Just like a river that will find its way to the ocean, grief will show you that sometimes you just have to let things go through you.

Whatever loss you are experiencing now, I see you. You are not alone!

THE GIFT OF SHAME (Español abajo)

Shame is a familiar emotion when you've experienced trauma.
After all these years, I still feel shame. Shame of what happened to me, of the way my family reacted, of my inability to do better or the ways I used to cope.
This image comes from my search to better understand who am I, beyond the trauma. What is at the core of my identity?.

For days I imagined my warrior diving into the dark, deep waters of my shame. Diving deeper to get to where the "shame monster" lives, inside of me.
In the depths of this imaginary journey, my armor began to dissolve until I stood naked, and unarmed in front of the most terrifying monster: Medusa.

Then I realized I was not afraid of her, that something inside compelled me to look into her eyes. I was unafraid that her pain would turn me into stone.
An image became clear. My shame had a gift for me. A gift I could only receive by sitting still, and letting it tell me her story. The gift of discovering who I truly am.

When shame is triggered, we become reactive to the world around us. But what happens when we take a deep breath and just listen?.

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EL REGALO DE LA VERGÜENZA

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La vergüenza es una emoción familiar, para todo aquel que ha vivido un trauma.
A estas alturas, yo todavía siento vergüenza por lo que me pasó, por cómo reaccionó mi familia, por mi manera de evadirla y mis comportamientos autodestructivos. .
Esta imagen es el resultado de una exploración interna, en búsqueda de entender quién soy más allá del trauma. Una búsqueda para descubrir mi propia identidad.

Por un tiempo imaginé sumergirme en esas oscuras y profundas aguas, que representan la enorme vergüenza que a veces me abruma. Empecé a notar que mi armadura de guerrera se disolvía, a medida que me adentraba más en lo profundo. Estaba segura que al tocar fondo encontraría a un monstruo, la Medusa de la vergüenza que vive dentro de mi.

Y así desnuda y sin temor me encontrė con ella, con la seguridad de que si la miraba a los ojos, su dolor no me convertiría en piedra. Esta es la imágen que se formó en mi mente: La vergüenza tiene un regalo para mi. Un regalo que sólo es accesible, si soy capaz de sentarme con ella y escuchar su historia sin juzgarla. El regalo de saber quién soy yo y sentir la esencia de mi ser.

Sentimos vergüenza cuando el ambiente que nos rodea, detona lo que creemos está mal en nosotros mismos y no sabemos como "arreglar". Qué pasaría si la próxima vez que te sientes así, respiras profundo y escuchas lo que esta emoción viene a contarte?.

ANSIEDAD ES CREATIVIDAD SIN USAR (English Below)

Durante el tercer mes de la cuarentena, mi ansiedad empezó a escalar a tal punto, que había suficiente yoga, ejercicios de respiración o desconexión de las noticias que me ayudaran a regularla. Poco a poco empecé a disociarme de mi cuerpo y de mi entorno, mudándome permanentemente a ese lugar de mi mente donde imagino TODO LO PEOR QUE PUEDE OCURRIR.

Ahí es cuando me acordé de lo que menciono @doodlesforchange en una de nuestras conversaciones. Ella mencionó que si no tenemos cuidado la creatividad se puede tornar en nuestra contra. Básicamente ella dice que la ansiedad es el lado oscuro de la creatividad. Así como somos capaces de imaginar el mundo que queremos, también podemos vivir nuestras peores pesadillas, y proyectarlas en un ciclo infinito en nuestras mentes.

Esto me hizo darme cuenta de dos cosas:
-La ansiedad es una prueba más que demuestra que TODOS SOMOS CREATIVOS.
-La creatividad que no se usa, se vuelve una fuerza destructiva.

Asi que decidí darle un trabajo a mi ansiedad y empezar a imaginar un escenario que me ayudara a relajarme. El encierro me hacía sentir claustrofobia así, que la primera imagen fue la de volar libremente. Luego fue reconocer las ganas de descansar y poder ganar un poco de distancia que me dieran una nueva perspectiva. Fue así como esta imágen se formó en mi mente.

El siguiente paso, fue regresar a mi cuerpo. Así que empecé a enfocarme en cómo se sentiría el aire de una noche de verano en mi piel. La sensación de calidez que encontraría en el plumaje del cuervo. Y el poder relajarme mientras con su vuelo, me llevaría a un lugar lejos de todo caos. Luego pensé en lo relajante que es para mi, observar ciudades desde la distancia. Es mi parte favorita de viajar en avión. Poder observar a distancia el energía vibrante y nerviosa de una ciudad, sin tener que sumergirme en ella es realmente surreal.

Asi que ahora, cuando siento la ansiedad queriendo tomar el control, me recuerdo de esta imágen... y repito el ejercicio de visualización. Me permite darle un trabajo a mi ansiedad y relajarme sin caer en la autocrítica.

Alguna vez has intentado algo similar? Habías pensado alguna vez sobre la relacion entre la creatividad y la ansiedad?.

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ANXIETY IS CREATIVITY WITHOUT A JOB

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On month three of the lockdown, my anxiety was starting to take over me 👀. No matter how much I controlled the news intake, or did yoga...or went bird watching. I slowly started to dissociate from my body and spend most of the time worrying. Imagining all the worst possible scenarios about literally EVERYTHING.

So one day I remembered my conversation with my friend @doodlesforchange She mentioned how creativity can sometimes turn against us... if we are not careful. How anxiety is the shadow side of our creativity. Just like we are able to dream and imagine the world we want ... we can also give life to our worst fears and play them on a loop in our minds.

I came to realize the following:.

-This is yet another proof of how we are all creative, whether we acknowledge it or not.
-If we don't use our creativity it will become destructive.

So I decided to reverse my anxiety and stop dissociating by imagining something that would make me feel like I could relax. I was getting claustrophobic, so the thought of flying away came in first. Then I began acknowledging how much I needed to really rest ... and how much I wanted to get some perspective.
This is how this piece came to be.

The next step was to come back to my body ... I started visualizing how the summer air would feel on my skin. How the crow feathers would keep me warm enough to relax. I also imagined that if I were to wake up... I could look at the city lights down below. Watching cities from above while I am traveling is extremely relaxing for me. Being able to admire the vibrancy and nervous energy from a city without having to be submerged in it is almost surreal.

Now whenever I feel anxiety creeping in, I come back to this exercise... I have found that it is a gentle way to give my anxiety a job, without having to feel bad for it or diving into self-criticism.

Have you ever tried something similar? Have you ever made the connection between Creativity and Anxiety?

LET IT BURN

Sometimes it feels like most of my energy goes into trying to hold it together. The never ending struggle to keep things as they are, or as I think they are supposed to be.

One day, I just woke up feeling exhausted and ashamed for not being able to go through a day without feeling like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Healing and tending to my mental health is a full time job. Some days are just plain hard.
I remember, during a very challenging season in my marriage, we went to grab dinner at a burger joint. Have some "quality time" together. On a table next to us, there was a young couple with two kids. Somewhat they were managing to eat, share some light conversation with their friends, AND keep an eye on the toddlers. I wondered, how do they do all that? How do they do life, and parenting and talking to friends? I could barely chew my burger without crying. That day I just couldn't do “quality time”, be a wife, or eating for that matter. I was ready to just drop the ball and fall apart, right there... in the middle of a burger joint.

A few days later it landed on me, the exhaustion came from this "keeping it together" mentality. I was holding on to an idea of how my healing and my marriage should be. There was no space for me to reconcile the ideal with reality. So after an ugly fight, and thinking that I just couldn't carry on like this... This image formed in my mind...then a phrase: LET.IT.BURN.

What happens when we let go of the idea of how things are supposed to be? What unravels when we stop fighting our own reality, and just let it all fall apart? What truths are uncovered when the dust settles and you can see things for what they are?.

Now, stand in that clearing and imagine what can you create anew.

SELF REGULATION = FREEDOM (Español abajo)

“To bring my nervous system out from fight or flight, means to detox from all that is foreign and harmful to my body and mind.”

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The lesson I’ve been working on this year, and there is so much to process still. However, learning to actively regulate my emotions and manage the state of my nervous system, feels like finally being able to remove the straitjacket of anxiety. The certainty that no matter what goes on, I can come back to myself.
Here is what I’ve learned so far:

It is the result of the work I’ve been doing for the last decade. The various types of therapy, the self inquiry, my yoga practice and meeting amazing health practitioners and spiritual mentors has created the foundation for me to grasp better what it means to regulate my body-mind back to a state where I can function.

Also working with @bewellwithhope who’s training as a functional trauma therapist and holistic nutritionist has helped me set a clear path to reclaim my health. Both physical and mental.

I’ve learned that detoxing from food is not enough. To bring my nervous system out from fight or flight, means to detox from all that is foreign and harmful to my body and mind. This includes harmful implants, relationships, people and situations.

I’ve learned the true meaning of mothering myself. To nourish both my body and inner child.

For the first time in 20 years, I get to discover who I am beyond my trauma and mental illness. Not to say they are gone, but when they show up, I can weather the storm grounded with a clear way back.

I’ve dreamt of a world where this type of healing is accessible to all. And today my hope in making it happen, is stronger than ever. Thank you Cass @bewellwithhope for the gift of your healing.

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AUTO-REGULACIÓN = LIBERTAD

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“Es igual de importante desintoxicarse de todo lo que es dañino para el cuerpo y la mente.”

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Este es el tema en el que estoy trabajando este año y todavía me falta mucho por aprender. Sin embargo, saber como regular mis emociones y gestionar mi sistema nervioso me liberado de la camisa de fuerza que representa la ansiedad para mi. Tener la certeza de que no importa lo que pase, puedo regresar a mi, es una libertad que nunca había experimentado.

Estas son las lecciones que he aprendido hasta ahora:

Este momento es el resultado de todo el trabajo que he realizado en la ultima década. El resultado de atender varios tipo de terapia, desarrollar prácticas de auto-cuestionamiento, de yoga y creatividad. Haber tenido la oportunidad de trabajar con especialistas de salud y mentores espirituales, me ha proporcionado las bases para entender lo que significa regular mi cuerpo y mente, de regreso a un estado en el que puedo funcionar de manera saludable.

Trabajar directamente con @bewellwithhope , terapista de trauma funcional y nutricionista holística. Ella me ha ayudado a establecer un camino claro para recuperar mi salud tanto física como mental. Es increíble la diferencia de trabajar con alguien especializado en el impacto de TEPT en el sistema nervioso y como influye en las funciones corporales y mentales.

He aprendido que los detox solo de alimentación no son suficiente. Es igual de importante desintoxicarse de todo lo que es dañino para el cuerpo y la mente. Esto incluye: implantes innecesarios, relaciones personales, trabajo y cualquier situación detonante.

Estoy aprendiendo el verdadero significado de desarrollar mi energía maternal y poder nutrir tanto mi cuerpo, como mi niña interna.

Ahora luego de 20 años de lucha por una mejor salud, cuento con la oportunidad de saber quien soy mas allá de los traumas y mi salud mental. Lo que no quiere decir que ya no existen, sino que cuando algo me detona, tengo la capacidad de navegar la tormenta de una manera mas estable y con un camino de regreso hacia mi verdadero yo.

A lo largo de mi travesía, he soñado con un mundo donde este tipo de sanación está al alcance de todos.Aunque todavía me falta mucho por hacer, cuento con un sentimiento de esperanza renovada de poder contribuir con otros a sanar.

Gracias a Cass y a todos los que han cruzado mi camino, por compartir el regalo de la sanación. Hoy más que nunca estoy clara de que compartiendo nuestras historias es como lograremos sanar el mundo.

AGOTADA - CONGELADA EN EL TIEMPO (English below)

“está bien si me toma el doble de tiempo hacer hasta lo más simple.”

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Una de las cosas que se me hace más difícil de lidiar es el agotamiento que viene luego de una crisis de ansiedad.

A veces pienso que vivo en dos mundos El físico y el imaginario. Ambos a velocidades totalmente opuestas. Mi mente no para, siempre estoy pensando en todas las cosas que quiero crear y hacer. El problema es que vivir con ansiedad, significa vivir en constante estado de alerta. Esto consume muchísima energía y la verdad, se me hace muy difícil controlarlo. Sí, hay yoga, respiración y autocuidado pero me toma mucho más tiempo regular mi sistema nervioso que a alguien que no vive con ansiedad .

La consecuencia es pasar por temporadas donde simplemente no tengo energía ni para dormir . Es un ciclo vicioso que tengo que navegar con mucha conciencia y mucha PACIENCIA.

Buscar ayuda, cuidar mi alimentación y entender que tengo que parar. Que está bien si me toma el doble de tiempo hacer hasta lo más simple. Que mi valor no está atado a mi productividad y que es cuando logro sentarme en calma, que la energía vuelve a florecer.

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EXHAUSTION - FROZEN IN TIME

“I remind myself that it is ok, if something takes me double the time as usual. That my worth is not tied to my productivity...”

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One of the toughest things for me to deal with, is the exhaustion that comes after an anxiety crisis.

Sometimes it feels like I live in 2 different realities. The one inside my head and the “real” world. Both going at opposite speeds. My mind never stops. I am always dreaming what to create next and what I’d like to do. However, living with anxiety means living in a constant state of alert. This burns ridiculous amounts of energy and quite frankly it is hard to manage.
Yes, I do yoga, breathing exercises and self-care but it takes me a long time to regulate my body. It is an extra burden than just managing regular stress.
This translates into long periods where I have no energy, even sleeping becomes a chore. It is a vicious cycle that I have to navigate mindfully and with a lot of PATIENCE.

Reach out for help, practice mindful eating and simply rest. I remind myself that it is ok, if something takes me double the time as usual. That my worth is not tied to my productivity, and that is in STILLNESS where my energy starts to sprout again.