The day I drew this, it became clear to me why I needed to share my story.

Over a year ago, I had a late night at work, so on my way home I decided to pick some take out for dinner. As I am walking back to my apartment, my body sensed the danger before I could even realize it. I recognized his silhouette. He was standing right in front of the entrance of my building with -what it seemed to me- an attitude of looking for something. I’ve run into him just twice before in the 6 years I lived in that city, but I had not gone through the flashbacks yet, during those times. However, the reaction has always been the same: an intense sense of danger and almost paralyzing fear.

This time was different. Not only have I let him known at this point in my life that I remembered his abuse, but also I was completely alone. My husband had been gone for the week due to work and my dogs where away, staying at the vet. I know it all happened in a few seconds, but as I evaluated my situation and how to protect myself, I focused on what I knew: He hasn’t seen me in almost 15 years or knew where I lived. Chances were that this was just a really nasty coincidence. So I took my keys in one hand and my phone out in the other, lowered my head and pretended to be on a call. One of the perks of being an introvert is learning to move without being noticed - or at least I try, most of the times pretty successfully. I moved as fast as I could to reach the lobby in the building and the safety of the elevator. By the time I closed the door of my apartment, my ears where ringing, my breath was really fast and I was getting dizzy. I left all lights off and walked the farthest away from the door, I wanted to put as much distance as I could, between us.

I’ve never felt so alone in my entire life as I did in that moment. I wanted to run and scream, call the police and ask for someone to keep me company. But at this point, aside from my husband and my parents – who live in another country- no one else really knew. I couldn’t begin to grasp how to explain my situation to anyone at all. Shame taking over, then guilt. I felt that in the emergency of this crisis, I couldn’t avoid feeling the need to comfort whomever I talked to. Utter despair and hopelessness. All my fears creeping back, fast and steady… crowding my mind.

I took a look at my options and it was simply too exhausting, to even consider asking for help on something so hidden, so shameful, so complex. I decided to stay by myself; although I wished – I yearned, really- I had some sort of “crisis partner” I could call on, to keep me company. For a brief moment, my mind wondered to the movie “Anger Management” where Jack Nicholson assigns Adam Sandler’s character and “anger ally”; to help him cope when going through a rage… Almost as a comedic relief. I guess this is how my creative brain works; it will take inspiration anywhere it can draw it from!

With my mind razing, going back and forth from full-blown panic to rage, I did the only thing I could… In the stillness of the dark, I sat on the floor and cried my soul dry. Through my tears, I let myself drain every emotion and intensity of it all. I wanted to dissolve in the pain of this experience and for the first time, I didn’t want it to stop. I was not resisting the impending storm of reliving the trauma.

There was just one clear thought: ALLOW. Intuitively I let my body take control of the situation. It was a miracle and the only way to escape the surmounting panic in my mind. For reasons that seem to fail me, even today, I was able to get through this crisis by myself. There in the cool concrete floor, under the shimmer of the city lights an image popped in my mind. The mother and the dragon working together to hold me safe within the turbulent rivers of this pain. Once again, my soul was letting me know I could hold space in the midst of the darkest hour… I would withstand it all.

It took me a few weeks to shake off the fear from that night, but eventually I was able to feel “normal” again. However, the first thought I had the following morning was: no one should go through this alone. EVER. That day, I made a commitment to myself in sharing my story, so others don’t have to hide theirs. I made a commitment to open space for hard conversations; to stop this violence from happening again. I made a commitment to look for the wisdom of my experiences to shine a light for those who feel lost in the dark.

Surviving that day taught me, that as humans, we have immeasurable strength and it is through the toughest times, that we cultivate our capacity for resilience. Honestly, I have no idea where this journey will take me or if my words will help someone else, but I AM READY and open to figure it out. I will continue to share and look for ways to spread hope and create a safe haven for those like me. I will carry on doing my part, in stopping the violence and the suffering that comes from child sexual abuse. I will carry on fighting the stigma of depression. I will carry on, because it is my honor and my duty in helping heal this world.

Trauma is something you do not have to overcome alone, if you are survivor of sexual abuse or any trauma, I highly encourage you to seek professional help.

Two sites that I used to look for help and eventually led me to the right therapist are:

https://www.rainn.org/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us

Understanding what the “me too” movement truly is about, explained be its founder Tarana Burke:

“Me too is a movement, not a moment”

https://www.ted.com/talks/tarana_burke_me_too_is_a_movement_not_a_moment?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare