The origin of this peculiar journey started in the summer of 2016 when I got diagnosed with CIN 3 (cervical pre-cancer), which developed in a matter of 6 months.
For my age group, and the speed into which it grew, was not normal under clinical standards. My then doctor, considered the lesions to be so aggressive that to avoid any risks of them turning into full-fledged cancer he needed to perform a hysterectomy. Although most of that day has turned into a blur, I clearly remember how listening to the news in the doctor’s office felt. It was as if I had just been struck by lightning- my entire body was tingling and my ears were buzzing. Only one sharp thought formulated on my mind so loud I wondered if the entire practice might have heard it: UNACCEPTABLE! It not only felt like the doctor had not been paying attention to my grievances through out the entire time he’d been treating me, but also his unsolicited advice of “let’s just get it done as quickly as possible, since you don’t want to have any kids anyway” was more than I could bare. As best I could, I thanked him for the information, reproached his bedside manner on delivering such delicate news, asked for my medical record and left to look not for a second, but all the way to a fifth opinion. It took over a month to find the right doctor that would offer an alternative to a hysterectomy and that would also take the time to listen and explain what needed to be done for my body to heal.
The months following my diagnosis were filled with a lot of testing and probing which, I firmly believe, triggered a flood of repressed memories I had about my childhood. As time passed, more memories would show up into my consciousness like shattered glass peering wholes through my already preoccupied mind. I could feel the pain and the rage rising. The need to look at myself at the mirror and repeat like a mantra “I SEE YOU, I SEE YOU”, because at some unconscious level, I understood that all of this was a way for my body to show me what I have neglected for so long... MYSELF.
One of the aspects I looked into when I decided to go back to therapy, was not only to look for someone who had experience with survivors of child sexual abuse, but also a person who could clearly understand the mind-body-spirit connection. It became clear to me, that the only way to approach this crisis and actually have a chance of coming out on the other side was an integrated approach. I needed someone who was capable of truly listening while allowing me to process the trauma in every level. This is how I came across EMDR and Art/Dance Movement Therapy.
A brief explanation on EMDR taken from it’s website is: “a highly effective therapeutic approach that uses bilateral (left-right) stimulation and a specific protocol of inquiry to facilitate the re-processing of old memories and experiences such that a disturbing event becomes more neutral in emotional intensity and is integrated into the mind and body in a more adaptive way.”
It took a month and half of working in therapy to create a safe haven where I could recall the darkest, most disturbing memories I have from my entire life. My therapist had me read about EMDR while she took the time to know my story and allow me to prepare to experience this technique, which simply put: has saved my life.
As I sat in the therapy room and started to navigate the most toxic of my memories, with a mixture of angst and genuine curiosity, my therapist led me to the first of many realizations. No matter how disturbing the situations I was subjected to were, as a kid I thought I was playing. I literally could feel the innocence I had when I was that 4-year-old girl. My biggest source of pain until that moment was wrapped around the thought that I was robbed of my innocence because of the abuse. For the first time, I saw myself as this 4-year-old girl, strong yet innocent. Towards the end of that session relief bathed my soul like a healing balm. I could see the darkest and most repulsive memories losing its deathly grip on me. All I could think about the perpetrator was: “YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME”. “I AM FREE”.
The whole experience started to feel as if a huge weight was being lifted off my shoulders. All of a sudden I had “space” within me to feel the range of emotions I had been resisting all along. The dam of numbness I’ve built up over the years was beginning to collapse and rage was quick to take over.
I have always had a vivid imagination, now I understand is partly because I dissociated from my body at an early age and took permanent residence in my mind, but also because I am an only child, who had to resource to her own dream world to entertain herself. Today I perceive it as a gift, it has been my never-ending capacity to imagine that allowed me to develop a career in Architecture, foster a voracious curiosity and ultimately find a way to heal. So by the time we started with the EMDR, images of characters began to emerge as a natural response to processing the trauma. The first two were- you guessed it- the little girl and her rage. Together these two have been leading the way for me to reclaim my story in a way that has been nothing short of a miracle.
The night after coming home from that session, a clear tangible rage started to simmer within and this time I invited it in. Before going to bed, I washed my face, I looked into the mirror straight at my own eyes and said out loud: I AM HERE MARTHA AND I AM ON WAY TO GET YOU
For more information on EMDR please visit: http://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/
A great read to better understand EMDR: Getting Past Your Past by Francine Shapiro